a summer gone

it's gone in a blink of an eye. Horribly fast I've seen my last summer here come and go... I'll miss each and every one of my babies here at home and i wish my life here with all of them didn't have to come to an end. Change can be good, so I guess I'll give it a shot.

when we are dead, we'll all have wings

My senior prom was perfect. I wouldn't have changed a thing. From the surprise pre-prom view from the bridge of the sunset over the water, with background music to compliment, to the grand piano found in the hallway corner wait for just us. This more than bareable night was followed by champagne overlooking the moonlite lake and soft guitar and blankets on the sandy cool beach. My night was filled with genuine affection and gentle kisses, more than I could possible ever hope for.

IvE bEeN tRyInG tO sInG

But sometimes, we remember our bedrooms And our parent's bedrooms And the bedrooms of our friends Then we think of our parents Well, what ever happened to them

You change all the lead Sleeping in my head to gold As the day grows dim I hear you sing a golden hymn The song I've been trying to sing

I had a really, really, rEEAALLY PERFECT moment. Not sure I've been happier, or atleast ever felt this way. It's such a nice change to be happy for once.

welcome warmth

One of the first warm nights and we were out patiently awaiting the summer. It's almost here and I couldn't be more ready. It's going to be amazing. I'm sure of it.

whaaa?

Disturbed last night in concert. Can't hear a damn thing mah ears be ringinnnn. It was a great show and my beer coated flip-flops walking me through the following day of escuola. Saweet deal.

Sun in my mouth

Just had a week off of school...pretty uneventful. Lots of sushi eatting with ciggs and some serious waitinggggg for today!!! Bjork is crazayyyy good and she's on now as i sit with my Lime Coolada lotion scented room in dim lighting, QUITE delightfullll. All is well.

Nighty nighttt my freaks :)

Behind me...

This is sickly beautiful. Would've made SO much more sense and comfort only months ago. This overwhelming feeling I used to carry constantly is almost completely faded and it's strange...I think I like it gone. Atleast, I think.

A slack jaw and single, heavy thud of my heart as I look between themand realise the events that will follow.A gulp as I swallow my fantasies for him and bury them deep. A shrug as I shake off any unjust and un-entitled feelings of betrayalthat threaten to cloud her in my head." Its fine," I hear my brain whisper softly to my heart."He's not yours and she is great"Crying would feel good, but I can't muster a single sob.I wade through my pain with a bittersweet smile on my lips.My love for him has long seemed unrealistic, but I had hooked my hearton these silly dreams.She is an easy friend. Funny, beautiful, social and sparky.He obviously has seen this in her too.Shame he never saw it in me.Crashing into new realities hurt.

I'm hap-hap-happy

eeeee i feel so good right now....never really felt this way before. This is such a change from what I've been used to this past almost year. Finally.

I shrugged them off before my mom walked in my bedroomThe pains of love, and they keep growingIn my heart there's flowers growingOn the grave of our old loveSince you gave me a straight answerIf you still want me, please forgive meThe crown of love is not upon meIf you still want me, please forgive meBecause this crown is not within meIt's not within me, it's not within meYou got to be the oneYou got to be the wayYour name is the only word that I can sayYou got to be the oneYou got to be the wayYour name is the only wordThe only word that I can say

Crown of Love-arcade fire

Gobbledigook-sigur ros

both AMAZING. so is everything right now :)

CaRvInG wItH eAse

So I carved the apple from my eye, and gave it to you before I went away...

I'm in a quite lovely daze. It's something I wouldn't mind getting used to.

Sleeeeeepwalkin

Some pictures with some hooligans and a kiss id love. Beautiful world, it can be.

I feel huge. it sucks. fatfatfat. ewwww. keepin it in though...had a decent day. Found out some upsetting news but things are going well otherwise. I feel like im sleepwalking through the past few days. Haven't felt like ive really BEEN ALL THERE and its weird. its not that im trying to distance myself...all has been really good...but i cant help feeling far away from my own life its weird. Probably just in a stragestrange mood sitting here now. meheehe nighty night. Tomorrows supposed to be peachy, hopefully the day will match the weather!

kisskissgoodnight

Take it Easy, love nothing

Oh, and im in one a' those funky moods that are just wasteful. I'D LIKE TO BE SKINNY. meh whats new. I'm just in one a' those woahhh im hugeeeeeee moods...it'll pass i guess but mehhhh until then.
I'm a bit lonley...i dunno I'll feel better tomorrow i'm sure of it!

and i miss you when you're around

summers almost here. as the weather warms I am looking for love in the sunshine and am as happy as can be! lets hope this smile becomes frequent and welcomed!

Morrissey was wonderful and just another pretty time to add to this smile of mine. I've been listening to modest mouse lots...
A nice heart and a white suit and a baby blue sedan And I am doing the best that I can

And it's hard to be a human being

And it's harder as anything else

And I'm lonesome when you're around

And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself

And I miss you when you're around

a smile that explodes

I've developed a smile inside recently. its beautiful. all is well, im all well, its rather wonderful

saweet. this weeks been rockin. it's been tempting to jsut check the heck outta school recently but I cant. CANT. would it be worth it? eh, I'll let you know come spring time and restlessness. My hopes? finish off this school year gracefully. Haven't been in schhool a full day since february. nininice. springs almost here and im happy as hell, ugh i must add surprise surprise.

Hopefully I'll be let out this weekend to run around with my babiesss. It's a birthday weekend and I've been restless weekends not let out cuz of sour grades. beaaatt. ny ny with emma was a nice switch up, seeing the barely scene was solid but I've realized a run off to the city is just what i need every once in awhile to clear the ole head of mine.

love? love.
yayayaaaa.

massacre of your dignity

"Preserve one's self in safety for growth Why kill a dream? Why kill a dream? Feed off the weakness of your kind Feed off the weakness for your prime"

as blood runs black, i likelikelike. crazay swell. all is well. can you tell?
<3

"Breaking me down is what you desire, I wont let you"
"You showed me the way to love, and I came about,Then you stole my heart then left me
I'm waiting for the day to come that you'll save me So my soul will seek, inside of me,My true self and what I believe What's to become of ourselves? Has love lost its meaning?"

I cant upload pictures. shoot now dears. I'll figure it out at some moment. yayaaa

FUCK'em

I'm lonley. okay.

loved you more

Mary kate's outfit is pretty saweet in this picture. Oh and I'd like a boyfriend. Mhmm. Waiting...

Getting used to mah new hair. I'd like a boyfriend. :( that is all.

And you closed the door, on so many men, who could have loved you more.

glancing back

about to get some sleep, but I started thinking about summer. I love now. But I also LOVED then...music basically sums up my memories and anything i love in general. here are some new and old shots and some lyrics that got me remembering...

lights OUT

Summer, I painted a scene that lit the stars for me. Said, "I can erase it for you dear." That summer created those words that came to life in three. They were denied by you. Summer I laid down below a glitter-adorned night and silently sparkled my own way. Summer I laid down by you and shared my frail light. You gave the dark to me.

current mood?

Not sure how I'm feeling...okay I guess. Better get some shut eye before I feel otherwise? Hopefully this faint uneasy feeling in my stomach (and thoughts) is just from being over-tired. Alright, beautyyyyy sleep before I read into my mood any further. =/

MUST stay chipper, its been so nice this past week or two...

Night Night

maybe YOU'RE the one that's over-rated...

How delightful. It's surprisingly been a decent valentine's day!!! why be extra upset about being single on just one day....it's a shame all the timeeee. But ehhh, its been pretty good.

TODAY

Re-dyed mah hair this morningggg..im a bit more of a blonde which is nice. I had my medium hazelnut iced coffee light and sweeeeet, new colored hair and espanol candy hearts all morning. It was nice. I then spent the afternoon at my friends certainly taking my time to leave for work...hehhe. I then stole some pink spiders musica from him. They ar eprett sweet ive comje to find.

THENoff to pick up checks...I got a decent amount of moneyyy from work which was niceee. Money in my bag, I decided it was valentines day and that i deserved a present. Beautiful weather enveloped me as i strolled to visit another one of my best friends at work! I bought myself a valentines day present, gold brass knuckles ring AND was really happy.

THEN

I decided to skip work, being the badass i am haaa. I set off, determined to have a spontanious fun valentines day afternoon. I drove to a country club on the water. I found a bench far from any people in sight, just the sun, chilled air, water, sand, and grassy area the bench sat :) I read my "love sick" book, so very tranquil...i pondered love and what of it I feel I've experienced so soon in life. ahhhhh thinking how much i love ittt. This moment sitting looking out at the water was PERFECT. I left as it began to get cold and a couple sat near by so i felt less alone which i hadnt minded...

off i went...just driving....I've never done that before but I just left this longshore country club and just started driving in a direction I felt right. I listened to the pink spiders and drove past a beautiful field where the lighting was gold as the sun was setting slowly. The grass in the field glowed in a beautiful way only described as magical. I found myself driving along southport shore line...cute little private beach after private beach. One area was soo thickly populated with trees and then all of a sudden I drove out to find a vast beach with a couple out on a docking kissing in the distance. This didnt depress me though, I just sighed and smiled, appreciating the beauty in the simplicity of this lovely image. I passed beach after beach but the sun was nearing the end of the day.

I ran in, grabbed a pack of ciggs...yeah, im stupid hahah. I drove to the beach in my town, sat on a bench...not a person in sight. I lit, sighed, and admired the setting sun. You'd think I would have been sad, alone, or lonley...but I wasn't....it was great!!! I was observing this beautiful sunset, the weather not too cold...smoking my first full cigg...and I felt soooo at peace and fine with everything. Sure I thought a lot about how nice it would be to have someone to share these beautiful places with...but eventually I'll find someone to....I'm sure of it. I drove home to one of my favorites, AFI :)

I got a little less thrilled being home.....now thinking more and more abbut the lonley factor. I grabbed my cherry garcia...put in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind..and cried for a little few brief moments at the end of the movie. WHAT A GREAT MOVIE!!! i loveee it. I was a bit sad at the end, until my friend called with a valentines day gift for me, sol dout MORRISSEY tickets. yes, life is delightful. YESSSSSSSS. Valentine's day was completely saved. I cant wait!

love? love.

Valentines Day, tomorrow. actually in 33 minutes. SWEET. I'm reading a book called love sick. It describes love as a mental illness. ehhehehe. Blonder hair with a pack'a ciggs and a smoothie tomorrow. woot woot. i dont think i'll be that upset tomorrow which will be nice. why get EXTRA upset about being alone on ONE day when I can feel that just about any day. I realize more and more everyday its what you make of it, and why waste time that could be guarenteed happy? Wow, positive. so not like me. okay, some pictures to get every little one in the mood for the dear holiday tomorrow.

Listen up? sweetie.

Ivy was with Davey...he was madly in loveeeee with her. Then she left him for Ian. That is where so much of that wonderfully angry brilliant AFI music comes from. Their story is a tad more complicated than that but I find myself, with Valentines Day a mere two days away being fascinated in such depressing love stories.

Listen up sweetie.We all know that you're a beautiful girl in this horrible world :/

I'm now ready to go but mah own pack'a ciggs, re-dye my hair which is basically greyyyy, and find a young man to sweep me off my feet. Not so realistic, but eh, it'd be nice. Valentines Day will be alright, nothing too bad I don't think...
I thought I'd be having a whole LOT more trouble coming to terms with the approaching holiday but I seem fine which is a missed feeling for me. I've basically been SO depressed about some sort of twisted hopless love thing for so long that now that I feel okay with everything. I find it pointless and a waste of genuine depression and care to be upset about lack of returned love for one specific day, valentines day, when I've felt that way far longer previous to this day. mehehe. =/ shed a few healthy tears, but no reason for more. Then dyed hair, beautiful music, icecream and a cigg. sounds like a dandy day to me :D

I got a BEAUTIFUL guitar for my 18th! justt like jade's from FREEEEEAKIN afi. im lucky for such an amazing friend. i didnt deserve just a gift but eeeeeeee

For hair, im thinking blonder like Ivy Levan for now and then black at the end of the summer.

sleeptightttt my little freaks xP

I want to know what's going on in that pretty little head of yours

Is It Progression If a Cannibal Uses a Fork?

Really creepy, interesting, catchy, sexual, violent...just crayzaayyyy good song. Give a listen loves. It's quite well worth it.

i look sorta creepercreeper in mah picture but i had a ball editing of course...

loveheartbreak. mhmm.

Dying mah hair tuesday bleach blonde. chang efor the better i hope...

I think starting to try out diff colors will be cool, we'll see.

Trying to keep my head up best I can, get a grip on everything.

Ivy Levan I found online. She dated the singer of A.F.I. but then broke his heart and left him for someone else. Valentines Day...four days after my big 1-8. I don't have a Valentine, and as silly as it may be to wish for one, can I help it?? Perhaps I'll just do some good old mourning with a playlist of A.F.I. and room full of harvest candle, tears, cherry garcia, and a viewing of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind perhaps?? We shall see. No depression I can't control though, none of that. Just an expected danggggg its valentines day, my 18th valentines day. Good thing I'm so lucky with ALLLL this love I have for my friends and family. What the heck would I do without all these crazyssss. Ok, the time for sleep is now. Can't wait for my new hair....and someone to loveeee?? :(